Testimonials from Those Surviving an Affair
These are real testimonies, from real people that have gone through the Surviving an Affair system.
These are not all my clients but real people who have experienced success in this proprietary approach
to working with couples who have experienced affairs. They cover everything from repairing their
emotions to rebuilding the trust back into their marriage. Please go through them and experience the
kind of transformation that is possible with this system.
"I learned how to start trusting my wife again."
"You are a big help! You taught me how to take my wife's reassurance at face value and quit doubting
her sincerity. After doing that I learned how to start trusting my wife again."
"...we are starting over with a clean slate"
I have been working for a long time trying to rebuild trust with my husband after his affair. He felt that just
because he was sorry and wanted to work it out that I should IMMEDIATELY trust him again and stopped
talking about the affair.
However I still had questions that were haunting me and could not move forward. Once he read your
section on how to rebuild the trust, he understood more about what I needed from him!
It is amazing that some of the things mentioned in your section are exactly what I wanted to happen. Of
course when I said it, he didn't give much thought to it but I guess seeing it in writing from an actual
author made it real.
After reading just this one section and understanding what I needed from him my husband agreed to
answer ANY question in regards to his affair that I had. Believe me it wasn't easy for either one of us to
actually have to tell the truth about what happened on his part and for me to hear it.
But now for the first time I honestly feel like we are starting over with a clean slate.
"I feel more secure and feel that I can begin to trust him again."
"Building trust has been the biggest challenge for us and at times appeared to be impossible. The tips
that you provided have been great because it has made my spouse understand my feeling s and needs
better and I feel more secure and feel that I can begin to trust him again. Thanks!"
"you made us more understanding, open and empathetic to each other."
"You helped to restore the trust in my relationship by letting my spouse and myself both know what we
were feeling and going through.
We learned that what we are feeling and going through is okay and part of the healing process and you
also taught us what the other person is feeling and you made us more understanding, open and
empathetic to each other.
You gave me hope to not to give up when we hit a rough patch, but to continue what we were doing and
just keep communicating until that rough patch passed, which they do more easily and quickly now."
"I could have used this information early on."
"I would have liked to have had this information when I first learned about the affair. I could have used
this information early on."
Snow Shoe, PA
"As I read the chapter I felt I could breathe."
"I like the way the material is presented in the chapter. My emotional state is very clouded with
information, searching for answers, grasping at anything, trying to make sense, and feelings of defeat.
This chapter was very well organized. As I read the chapter I felt I could breath and begin to understand
what was happening to me. What I personally like best about this chapter is how it is presented. The
simplicity and structure of information put things in perspective for me so that I could sort through my
emotions and begin to understand."
Lori Ann Spinelli
"I... like the fact that you do not condemn me for feeling that way."
"I liked the fact that you addressed the emotions that the injured feels. My husband has cheated on me
about 3 times that I know of during the course of our 10 year relationship. I have felt every emotion that
you named and could add bitterness as one. I also like the fact that you do not condemn me for feeling
"I could relate with all these stories."
The part I really liked was the real people telling their own stories, what they went through and what they
are doing now to rebuilt their trust. I could relate with all these stories.
"Oh my gosh, it described exactly what I went through."
"Oh my gosh, it described exactly what I went through. My husband and I are getting back together.
They were together for 3 out of our 10 years, and I knew about it for 8 months. This has been VERY
"Identifying my shortcomings has made me better understand myself"
"Even though we are still going through a very rough time in our marriage trying to cope with my past
infidelities I'm stepping outside myself and realizing how inconsiderate, selfish and hurtful that I was not
only to my wife, but to my children. Identifying my shortcomings has made me better understand myself
and become a better husband, father and person."
Jimmy E Garren
"It helped me know what to watch out for and avoid."
The section on 10 Destructive Habits was the best! It helped me know what to watch out for and avoid.
It's very important to be forewarned of what a negative impact an action will have so you can prepare to
stop it before it occurs. I will have to re-read it; perhaps several times to learn all the things that I feel will
help. My initial reaction is that the whole chapter is full of useful information, much of which I hope I will
have the opportunity to use. The 10 Destructive Habits that Demolish Trust and Tear Down Love was an
excellent guide to what should and should not be done to attain the ultimate goal and purpose of behind
reconciliation. If that is your goal than this is a very important guide to accomplishing it.
Loves Park, IL
"I particularly liked the 10 conversations and questions in each"
I think this chapter 6 was well written, carefully thought out and exceedingly clear. I particularly liked the
10 conversations and questions in each - definitely something to do to heal a relationship. It's a pity
more couples don't start out this way.
"It does work"
This is good information for me. It does work, and drastically reduces the tension in such situations. I am
acting in a calmer manner.
Byron F. Sonday
".you laid out a plan for me to rebuild the trust with my wife."
"I appreciated how you laid out a plan for me to rebuild the trust with my wife. I really like your
information on the 5 Building Blocks for having a transparent relationship and learned how I am guilty of
doing the 10 Destructive Habits that tear down my relationship."
"Without your support with your first book and this chapter I don't think I would be saving my marriage
"All of what I read has made a huge impact on me. Without your support with your first book and this
chapter I don't think I would be saving my marriage right now. I know that your coaching will and is
making me a better and stronger person every time I read it."
Bairnsdale, Victoria, Australia
"...your book exactly describes what should be done."
"I think you hit the nail on the head when you said to sort through your emotions instead of asking
questions about the affair. I think people don't know what to do when they are so numb from finding out,
but your book exactly describes what should be done."
"You really seem to understand how painful it is"
"The 9 shockwaves you wrote about are exactly the way I feel. I am experiencing the 4 roadblocks to
healing. It really helped me to see in writing that I am not going crazy or feeling things I am not supposed
to feel. You really seem to understand how painful it is."
Fort Wayne, IN
"It is amazing how every emotion you describe, I am living through."
"Reading it as if I could have written it. It is amazing how every emotion you describe, I am living through.
I am looking for help to cope and you are giving specifics to me. I can't make a lot of decisions now and
when I have something positive to actually do, like breath, leave the house, take a walk, even though I
KNOW this, because it is a plan of action, I will do it."
"I think you give a true road map and plan on how deal with this situation."
"I have looked at a lot of books in the Book Stores but I find that they are too theoretical. You get right to
meat of the whole thing...you don't have to read a bunch of preliminary stuff. When you are in this
situation...you want to get right to the point...and you have. Well done.. I think you give a true road map
and plan on how deal with this situation. I think most people, after they get over the shock...still want to
save their marriage but need to know how to go about it."
Vancouver, BC, Canada
"Your system has made me less angry and sad."
"I feel more positive about the future of our relationship. Although painful at times, going through the
section that helps you process your emotions was very
therapeutic. Your system has made me less angry and sad and now more hopeful of what the future will
Sue Sforc ina
"Reading this will help me to control jealous feelings."
"It's not my fault! When my mind starts wondering and I feel anger I can think of the helpful hints that you
suggest. Reading this will help me to control jealous feelings."
Grass Valley, OR
"The weight of the world is off my shoulders"
"The weight of the world is off my shoulders. I've been having anxiety attacks and now they are now
"The other books never had any real counsel or direction."
"It was dead on to everything that I felt. I have sorted through countless books at the bookstore that talk
about the emotions, but all it is talk. This book seems about really taking hold of it. The other books
never had any real counsel or direction. This seems direct, to the point, yet compassionate"
Mission Viejo, CA
"I no longer blame myself."
"I have felt extreme guilt over my husband's affair. If I had done things differently, could have seen the
signs that he was becoming so unhappy then maybe I could have prevented him from looking outside
our marriage. I no longer blame myself. I have come to realize that all marriages have peaks and valleys.
He certainly wasn't meeting all of my needs either but I didn't go outside my marriage to make myself feel
better. I believed that we were an exceptional couple and when I realized that our marriage was in
trouble, I gave him 200% and that still didn't stop him from continuing with the affair."
"I felt as if you are my personal friend."
"Just about everything you mentioned I was able to relate to. I felt as if you are my personal friend that
knows what I've been through and understands that I am still trying to find the way to adjust to the
changes in my life."
Douglas County, GA
"...these are normal emotions...thank you."
"You addressed the varied emotions accurately and summed it up by telling the betrayed person that
these are normal emotions...thank you. Though one feels 'crazy' as we are buried beneath this
avalanche of emotion, we have a natural urge to dig ourselves out from beneath that rumble and fight
for our survival."
Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario, Canada
"I liked the exercise to sit and really think about the emotions that you are feeling."
"I liked the exercise to sit and really think about the emotions that you are feeling deep down inside. I've
had a tendency to bottle them up and then just blow up over something very small. Also, one of the
emotions that I didn't expect was love. It made me realize that despite the other feelings, I still love my
"You helped me discover and begin to sort through the emotions that were hidden by hurt and fear."
"Chapter 1 did exactly as stated... You helped me discover and begin to sort through the emotions that
were hidden by hurt and fear."
"I liked the exercises the best."
"I liked the exercises the best. It was the first time I saw advice on how to work through it. There is plenty
of material affirming how betrayed spouses feel out there, but little on what to actually do with of those
emotions and thoughts."
Nancy A. Brown
"Your questions have been empowering."
"I will definitely be able to face the turmoil I've been keeping pent up inside in a constructive way. Until
now, I've been avoiding dealing with the myriad of thoughts and emotions out of fear that I wouldn't be
able to cope. Your questions have been empowering in the sense that I feel there is a logical and safe
way to reflect on things and be able to heal myself."
San Marcos, TX
"By just following the steps you have mentioned I have regained some control of 'our' life, without even
"I am able to converse with my partner in a more positive respectful manner; I am able to laugh. I am
being myself, we've talking and laughing, simple things are pleasurable again. On Sunday we actually
had dinner in the park, and spent 3 hours just sitting and chatting away. This could NEVER happen as
recent as 2 weeks ago. By just following the steps you have mentioned I have regained some control of
'our' life, without even demanding it. I know I've got a lot of work and a long and perhaps difficult road
ahead, but I know that if I keep practicing I'll make it."
"You have taught me how to cope."
"You information was so helpful to me. I realized that you cannot skip over anything in your system
because if you did you'll gloss over important information. You have taught me how to cope with this and
"...it's comforting to know that I'm not alone."
"It's nice to have someone describe accurately what I was feeling at the time. And it's comforting to know
that I'm not alone. Now I have better control over my emotions and talking to a lot of friends has really
Auckland, New Zealand
"I was able to carry on."
"Your system is amazing. It gives you the strength to carry on in life and never to assume that it is over
just because of an emotional break down. I was able to carry on instead of thinking it was over."
"I am experiencing many of the feelings you've written about."
"Even though the problems still exist I feel more capable to deal with them. I am experiencing many of
the feelings you've written about. Some of these feelings are ugly and ones I didn't think I was capable
of feeling. Seeing it written validates these feelings and has given me some options in dealing with them
- or at least good advice not to act on them."
"I truly felt as if I were going crazy."
I think I'm better equipped to look at the different aspects of his affair and not go ballistic. Also my
husband read this and we seem better able to communicate about our emotions. All of it helped me to
know that these things I'm feeling are normal. I truly felt as if I were going crazy.
"I really wasn't alone."
"I liked the fact that it helped me put names to what I was feeling. That I really wasn't alone in feeling
such rage and anguish."
Maria L. Hutchinson
"...the emotions I am dealing with are normal."
"Seeing that the emotions I am dealing with are normal for what I have been through."
Michigan City, IN
"You clarified emotions."
"You clarified emotions and the steps of healing."
"I wasn't alone with all of my mixed emotion."
"I really was surprised and relieved to see that I wasn't alone with all of my mixed emotions. Also how to
realize when and how to express what exactly you are feeling"
StoneyCreek, Ontario, Canada
".proceed with the intent of staying together"
"(I learned) How to proceed with the intent of staying together."
"...it wasn't my fault no matter what type of partner I was (am)."
"Reaffirmation that my emotions are normal and felt by others. I liked the emergency ways to deal with
my emotions, and that you consistently reminded me that it wasn't my fault no matter what type of
partner I was (am)."
"It was very helpful to get advice."
"It was very helpful to get advice on how to handle these powerful and sometimes obsessive feelings."
Nanci von Jacobi
"Every emotion, every thought. It is like degrees of mourning."
"It was exactly what I have been going through. Every emotion, every thought. It is like degrees of
mourning. It was empowering that I was normal."
"I got a good chance to look at myself in the mirror."
"It was nice to read that the emotions that I had felt were not only about the affair but by looking inward I
got a good chance to look at myself in the mirror and sort through all the other emotions that have been
burying me alive."
"...I learned how to acknowledge the negative emotions of anger, rage, hurt, pain, jealousy, betrayal"
"I learned how to acknowledge the negative emotions of anger, rage, hurt, pain, jealousy, betrayal &
turn inward for healing & releasing these emotions. But not acting out in a way that would be harmful."
Irene E. Williams
"...get in tuned with what emotions come up was scary but very awakening."
"The best part of chapter 1 was it identified all the emotions and the ways I can work through them. The
part about taking the time out to think about the affair and to get in tuned with what emotions come up
was scary but very awakening."
San Jose, CA
"You were able to bring these emotions to light."
"The straight forwardness, which compelled me to acknowledge my feelings; I feel a little relieved that
you were able to bring these emotions to light in an way that compelled me to not sit back and blame
myself; while wallowing in self pity, and unnecessary guilt."
"Now I know how to take better care of myself."
"You really showed me that by doing negative things it only worsens the situation and makes me
unhappier. Now I know how to take better care of myself instead of continuing to punish myself. Thank
"I liked the advice to get exercise, breathe and talk to friends."
"I liked the advice to get exercise, breathe and talk to friends. I am 8 months into the divorce and
knowledge of the affair; I have utilized all of these things to get me through each day."
Los Osos, CA
"The pain is sometimes unbearable."
"You helped me to see and understand some of the feelings I am feeling... I have to keep telling my self
that it was not my fault. The pain is sometimes unbearable and but I want to understand and to be able
to love again."
"I liked how it was laid out."
"I liked how it was laid out in simple easy to read terms."
"I wish that I had read this whole book when I first started to feel all of these emotions."
"I thought that the chapter would be very helpful for someone who has just found out about the betrayal.
For me it has been about 7 months so I have already been through all of those emotions. I wish that I
had read this whole book when I first started to feel all of these emotions."
"It... had all the questions that I was asking myself."
"I loved it all. It confirmed all the emotions I was feeling and that I was normal and not alone. It also had
all the questions that I was asking myself. Like why and I would have never thought, guilt, blaming
myself, am I overreacting etc."
Traverse City, MI
"...identifying the exact emotions that I have been feeling is helpful."
"(I learned) Mainly that identifying the exact emotions that I have been feeling is helpful. One of the
things I have felt is that I was crazy for taking so long to get over the betrayal and to control my constant
questioning about what my spouse is doing all of the time. It has been 8 mos. since I found out, he told
me, and I still have the fantasies when he is away for a long period of time that he is meeting or talking
to the woman. I hope that these feelings will go away soon, for good."
Long Island, NY
"What I like best is the constant reassurance."
"All the emotions are there and they are real. This reassures me that it is normal and I can deal with it
and perhaps eventually become a stronger and better person than I could have been had I not had to
weather this storm....what I like best is the constant reassurance that I so much need to believe this was
in no way my fault."
"You made me feel that this horrible ordeal may be the bottom of a roller coaster headed towards the
"Learning about putting a list together of things that are certain in life, and looking at that list when
things seem uncertain really helped. You made me feel that this horrible ordeal may be the bottom of a
roller coaster headed towards the top."
"You helped me to deal with my feelings of rage and anger."
"(I learned) How to cope with feelings of jealousy towards the other woman and to accept the fact that
my husband has chosen to stay with me rather than go to the other woman. You also helped me to deal
with my feelings of rage and anger."
"...helped me to see in writing where these feelings are coming from."
"The explanation of the origins of each of these emotions has helped me to see in writing where these
feelings are coming from."
"I'm looking forward to doing the journaling activities."
"I liked the fact that it centered on how to start with me first. It validated almost every single emotion I've
been experiencing so I know now that what I've been thinking and feeling is normal. I'm looking forward
to doing the journaling activities since I think that will not only help me reflect on things but also be a way
to release my thoughts in a focused manner instead of keeping them swimming around in my head."
San Marcos, TX
"I thank you for making me know my feelings are legit."
"This chapter hit the hammer on a lot of nails for me. It has been 3 years since the affair and 2 years
since I found out and I feel like I was made to feel like my feelings didn't count. The affair was over for
over a year, I had a feeling of something going on, asked my husband and felt like a blind fool believing
his lies back then-when he made me feel like I over reacted. I appreciated the total transparency
comment which has been an issue in our relationship, thank you for making me know my feelings are
Bowling Green, Missouri
"It was helpful to have important points in numbered groups with each point."
"I liked the empathetic straightforward writing style. It was helpful to have important points in numbered
groups with each point within the group given good explanation."
Downers Grove, IL
"I like where you tell us to do something for our self."
"What I like best about the chapter is your ideas you give us to get past feeling it is our fault when in turn
it is the other person who decide to go this way of dealing with their problem, I find my self to feeling so
same a person will reach out to some one else in a affair rather then deal with the real problem at hand.
I like where you tell us to do something for our self, I find out that really help."
"I learned that the affair was not my fault and I should stop blaming myself and stop asking why."
"I learned that the affair was not my fault and I should stop blaming myself and stop asking why. I was set
in a pattern of trying to figure out how I could have let this happen. I realize now that even though I made
many mistakes, (she) chose to have the affairs."
"...it is healthy to feel, and work through the emotions, not just move on as if the affair never happened."
"(I liked) How you identified the common reactions and how extreme they can be. That it is healthy to
feel, and work through the emotions, not just move on as if the affair never happened. Also, the healing
and coping strategies. And the hard truth that he could cheat again, to face reality, as tough as it is."
"Reading (this) . helped me pinpoint my feelings rather than just feeling 'empty'."
"Reading about the emotions that are common after the affair helped me pinpoint my feelings rather
than just feeling 'empty'. I know that I feel betrayed and confused and sad."
"It helped me realize it wasn't my fault."
"It helped me realize it wasn't my fault and how to help myself get back to my view of life."
"The roadblock that discussed being a doormat was very helpful for me.. Thank you :)"
"You Are Not A Doormat? The roadblock that discussed being a doormat was very helpful for me. I
constantly struggled with feelings that I was not a strong woman to tolerate this affair, and I felt like I was
weak and foolish to still want to save my marriage. I also struggled with feelings that it takes two. My
spouse and his family blamed me for the affair. I drove him to do it. I realize now that I was dying a slow
death inside believing this and internalizing this blame. This book has made a huge positive impact on
me now that I see it was good to be a doormat and it wasn't my fault. Thank you:"
Lori Ann Spinelli
"(It) made me feel like there is hope."
"It may sound simple, but reading the words that my wife chose to be with me in the end, made me feel
like there is hope."
"...people who want to work their relationships out after an affair and to forgive, are not a doormat ."
"I liked that it was mentioned that people who want to work their relationships out after an affair and to
forgive, are not a doormat, but are people who have strong will to learn and rebuild their love again."
Melissa Susan Etheredge
Newport News, VA
"The part that had the most impact on me at this current time was the section on paranoia."
"The part that had the most impact on me at this current time was the section on paranoia. I think that I
am stuck in this stage and do not know how to 100% trust again."
"I can maybe gain back the trust that was taken and make my marriage an even stronger bond."
"That I can maybe gain back the trust that was taken and make my marriage an even stronger bond. At
this point in my life I find that hard to believe. But then again it has only been two weeks since I have
asked my husband to leave our home. So things are pretty fresh and I am still extremely hurting."
Traverse City, MI
"You helped me realize that I have to work on inner self to start healing."
"You helped me realize that I have to work on inner self to start healing. I do become obsessive with
trying to get even, or getting him back and all it does is backfire on me. I keep pushing my healing
Smithville, Ontario, Canada
"I was concerned that this was a unique reaction to me, and that I had somehow been transformed into a
hard, callous person."
"Reading the testimonials from both men and women regarding anger and violent feelings had a huge
positive impact for me. I'm a pacifist by nature and detest violence, but after learning of the affair, I had
incredible feelings of rage and anger. I was concerned that this was a unique reaction to me, and that I
had somehow been transformed into a hard, callous person."
"I liked the idea that focusing on myself."
"I liked the idea that focusing on myself will help me through this, and the repeated concepts that this is
not my fault."
South Orange, NJ
"I really like the idea of writing down my feelings."
"I really like the idea of writing down my feelings. I didn't want to do that for fear that my husband or kids
would find it one day and read it but I know that writing down my thoughts will help me help myself faster.
I can focus on all the issues that I have."
"I have a sense of relief."
"Since it is recommended to work on my emotions before trying to move forward with 'fixing' the
relationship I have a sense of relief. I felt it was necessary, but struggled with what was more important."
San Jose, CA
"I will be able to start learning to look more inside myself to be able to come to terms with things."
"I feel that I will be able to start learning to look more inside myself to be able to come to terms with
things. I hope I can learn how to deal with different emotions I feel and learn how to control them or
channel them into some other more positive reaction. I will try and get out more for exercise,
understanding that exercise can help to 'lift' my moods."
"I am aware of my emotions and now I am dealing with them."
"I am starting to deal with the anger, bitterness, resentment and hurt. I would bring up the affairs that my
husband had and throw them in his face. Of course, that did not solve anything. I would lash out in
anger and I would not get a response. I am concentrating on my healing now. I am aware of my emotions
and now I am dealing with them."
"I am now going to try to implement an exercise routine to help me cope."
"I am now going to try to implement an exercise routine to help me cope with my anger and frustration as
well as focusing on the stability I do have such as my kids."
"I now know that I will be able to move on and start healing and letting go of the guilt."
".after reading chapter 1 I now know that I will be able to move on and start healing and letting go of the
guilt being the number one factor since after finding out about the affair I had asked my husband to
move out and this has disrupted our whole family including my three girls which brings me even more
guilt. I now realize that this is what needed to be done to maybe down the road built a stronger marriage
should this be the road I take."
Traverse City, MI
"...I am being more transparent"
"After my affair, you have taught me how to have a new level of accountability with my wife and I am
being more transparent with her."
"My husband has forgiven me."
"I wish I could have read this before I tried to go back to my lover. This time it is over and I have cut all
contact. My husband has forgiven me and I will work on re-building my marriage. We are both working
on it together, and spending quality time together. I have moved on from the affair and now concentrate
on the good things in my marriage. Your information is so valuable to me, and spot on, thank you. "
"...these are all normal feelings and eventually I will survive."
"I really liked how you described the feelings that are happening to me...guilt, hopelessness, loneliness,
etc. I figure I deserve to be experiencing these things and I do, but it was nice to read that these are all
normal feelings and eventually, I will survive. I have seen some changes...my husband is beginning to
act like he trusts me more."
"...make a great deal of sense"
All of the parts of the chapter to the cheater (me) have helped me to make sense of the emotions and
feelings that are being experienced in the aftermath of my affair. The explanations are incredibly
accurate and make a great deal of sense in a world of turmoil."
"I have more confidence that we will heal."
"Thank you for teaching me how to be patient and positive regarding rebuilding the trust. I have more
confidence that we will heal"
"This has helped to diminish some of my guilt rather quickly."
"Your examples of other's pain helped me to realize that my own pain wasn't all that unique and your
discussions of excessive guilt helped me to realize that I may have unresolved issues and simply reading
this has helped to diminish some of my guilt rather quickly. I feel more like I'll be able to pull through this."
"...my husband and I are talking more."
"My affair just ended 4 days ago and I will definitely end all communication with my lover and I will try to
communicate better with my husband and be sensitive to his feelings as well but most importantly I will
try to forgive myself. But one thing I have noticed is my husband and I are talking more plus the feelings
of guilt and shame are getting better."
"...I have actually become more transparent with my wife."
"You helped me, mostly from the absolute step of ending the affair and any contact with the other
person, to the emotional after affects and how I have actually become more transparent with my wife,
while I'm still in a little pain. Thanks"
Sean M Thomas
"... I am reassured that I am acting correctly."
"You do a wonderful job hitting all the various feelings and issues that the cheater feels. Thankfully I
have done much of what you suggested, but now I am reassured that I am acting correctly and that my
emotions are natural. Thank you.
"I wish I had read this before the relationship ended."
"The parts of your system that were most helpful to me were the 7 Emotional Trials the Cheater Will
Face, as well as the section on Becoming Transparent. I never really looked at it from that point of view.
It was very helpful, although a little too late. Unfortunately my relationship ended on my birthday. I wasn't
aware that my actions simply didn't demonstrate a type of "transparent" behavior. I wish I had read this
before the relationship ended. Thank you, I will make it a point never to cheat again."
"...gave me a better perspective on the type of emotions my mate is going through."
"Being that I am the one who did the injury to my mate and I really don't know the "real" impact of my
actions. Reading chapter 3 (to the injured person) gave me a better idea of the type of emotions my
mate is going through and it gave me a better perspective on the type emotions my mate is dealing with
and how I can help to allow him really work through his healing."
"...he wants to stay with me and I want to stay with him."
"Your information was right on target for what my husband has been feeling and it has surely given him
some hope which makes me feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope for us because
he wants to stay with me and I want to stay with him."
"This will help me learn how to be more understanding."
"I like knowing what my husband is going through after I hurt him like that. This will help me learn how to
be more understanding of what he is going through."
"I was making the mistake of pressuring him"
"I will be more patient, nurturing and allow him all the space he needs to come to terms with his feelings.
I was making the mistake of pressuring him with too many issues immediately after he found out and I
now know that I was making a huge mistake. I don't want to push him away."
Del Valle, TX
"I know that I can change my behavior and save this marriage"
"I loved chapter 3 to the injured person, it is what I feel my husband needs. We are separated and he
believes that we can never reconcile, however I believe we can. I used to wallow in a pool of guilt for the
pain I have caused him, but now I know that I can change my behavior and save this marriage. Thank
you for this information."
Citris Heights, CA
"...our relationship can be saved and even improved."
"Thank you for taking the 8 major emotions and breaking them down and relating them to the affair. This
helped me to understand my husband's emotions. It gives me hope that my husband can heal and our
relationship can be saved and even improved."
"I will patiently listen to my partner's pain."
"This showed me how to proceed with the intent of staying together. I will patiently listen to my partner's
"Instead of blaming my partner for the affair, it has made me feel more accountable."
"I can empathize with my partner and understand how my affair has caused them to feel these different
types of emotions. Instead of blaming my partner for the affair, it has made me feel more accountable."
Long Beach, CA
"Our relationship has already improved."
The information I learned will help my husband make changes. Our relationship has already improved.
"I like how you explained and gave advice on each word"
I like how you explained and gave advice on each word, breaking it down and explaining what it means
with an example. This was very helpful.
"I feel more equipped in explaining how I feel."
Thank you! After reading this chapter, I feel more equipped in explaining how I feel to my husband.
"I'm starting to understand how important communication is."
After reading this chapter, I'm starting to understand how important communication is and how easy it is
to neglect. I am now more likely to address issues that bother me. After reading your advice, I try not to
suppress my feelings so he understands how I feel.
"This chapter taught me how to listen more and slow life down."
This chapter taught me how to listen more and slow life down, sit on the deck and listen to the birds.
Langley BC Canada
"now realize my 50 percent of the blame in pushing him towards another woman."
I agreed with the section on looking for factors that caused the Cheater to Cheat. I already did this, and
now realize my 50 percent of the blame in pushing him towards another woman.
"I found this information and the lessons discussed to be extremely helpful"
Your article and others that I have read discuss unmet needs as a common problem. I found this
information and the lessons discussed to be extremely helpful in understanding my own situation.
"It is very powerful information."
Wow - I need to read the whole chapter again. It is very powerful information. I appreciate the advice to
revisit earlier steps and then move on. I am so amazed by your work with this subject.
"The chapter showed me how I can adjust my communication skills"
Thank you for pointing out the needs being neglected and communicating them effectively. I'll take time
to listen and apply myself to fill his needs and be honest about mine. The chapter showed me how I can
adjust my communication skills to actually hear what he is telling me and communicate my needs
specifically to him. The 'Neglecting your Partner's Needs' section was worded in a way that I understood,
including what my feelings or assumptions had to do with the problems in our relationship.
"I'm also going to pay more attention to what my partner wants or needs"
I'm going to discuss this section with my partner to help with our problems. I'm also going to pay more
attention to what my partner wants or needs, but won't or isn't telling me.
Brandon C. Miller
"The part of the chapter that helped me the most the explanation of why cheaters cheat."
The part of the chapter that helped me the most the explanation of why cheaters cheat. I also
appreciated the responsibility part as well. This relates directly to my relationship and helps me deal with
"This chapter showed me ways to ask myself what I need"
Thank you for breaking down the 10 critical dimensions into specific parts of the relationship. This
chapter showed me ways to ask myself what I need out of each of these parts. This section supported
my belief that, over time, we have forgotten to make time for each other and make our desires known to
the other. I can now address this.
"I like the complete apology you gave"
Needing an apology is very important. I like the complete apology you gave. I am glad that some of the
work in forgiveness is already complete, and this chapter makes me realize some of the work we have
done on 'instinct' has been good.
"Your list of questions helped me tremendously."
Your list of questions helped me tremendously. There are so many things that I want to know. Now I
know how to work through them.
"I gained information about how to treat my spouse."
I really loved your detailed steps describing how to apologize, and what an apology really is. I gained
information about how to treat my spouse. I've learned to live by the rule that if I wouldn't yell at him in
church, I should not yell at him at home, no matter how angry I am.
"The section on healing benefits us the most."
I accepted my partner again, but didn't know how to heal. The section on healing benefits us the most,
offering specific tips and guides to work through.
Jackie Lien Fulton
"You've shown me how to accept the past and move into a better future."
You've shown me how to accept the past and move into a better future. This section helped me a great
deal. I have also come to realize that living in the past offers me no hope. We have in our own way used
many of the steps you outline in this chapter. This chapter will be an excellent tool for those couples who
read it. It is an absolute requirement if a couple is to find healing in their relationship.
"The whole chapter on healing was very informative on what steps can be taken to heal."
The whole chapter on healing was very informative on what steps can be taken to heal. If I was aware of
this information prior to my separation, I'm sure I would have handled things differently.
"This chapter showed me that it will not be fixed now, but that it will take time to mend."
This chapter showed me that it will not be fixed now, but that it will take time to mend. It showed me that
it's not my fault. I've also learned to be more patient. I loved the way it was presented because it was
easy to relate with, showing you how to handle different situations more appropriately.
Lexington Park, MD
"This chapter on healing helped me learn how to put myself in my husband's shoes"
This chapter on healing helped me learn how to put myself in my husband's shoes - or at least trying to.
This will help me to better understand what he is going through on his end and try to help him to cope
better with his actions. I will try not to react as angrily in our conversations. More importantly, I will try not
to be self-righteous.
"I appreciate the tips on what to do if you begin to feel anger creeping in."
One of my favorite parts was about the anger I feel, helping me realize that it is natural to be angry but it
needs to be handled properly. I appreciate the tips on what to do if you begin to feel anger creeping in. I
will be making an effort to recognize when my anger begins to creep in and then make the necessary
adjustments to overcome this feeling and help it subside. The chapter on healing helps me see some of
the ways that both I and my spouse have stepped into the minefields. Now I will be more aware of the
minefields and avoid them altogether as best I can.
"I loved the section about the angry outbursts."
I loved the section about the angry outbursts. I have been experiencing them once in a blue moon,
seemingly out of nowhere. I love the advice about imagine a church setting, behave like that. I also loved
the part about it being natural to want to work it all out at once.
"I will try not to get so angry when we do try and discuss our feelings."
The part describing that I need to look at myself and what I could have done differently in the
relationship to have helped made it more better for the both of us, not just putting all the blame on the
other person, but also realizing that it was not. I will try not to get so angry when we do try and discuss
our feelings and the affair. I will also try and listen better to what the other person is saying and try to
see where they are coming from when they are speaking about what has happened.
Lincoln Park, MI
"I need to give our reconciliation more time"
This chapter was very helpful because we both thought that this process would go much quicker. I will
definitely work more on handling my anger and jealousy. I realize that I need to give our reconciliation
more time and my husband time to work out his feelings as well.
"...you really hit the nail on the head."
"Dear Dr. Gunzburg, Your section on 'Creating a Transparent Relationship' is fantastic! A couple that I
have been working with was stuck and still at risk of losing their relationship...until now! Your written
words spoke so clearly and straight to the point that he now understands what (and why!) is needed and
she is feeling empowered at having read the words to what she was feeling. They feel that you "really hit
the nail on the head" and so do I. This is a must-read!"
Sharon Shenker, Montreal, Quebec, Canada,
Family-Relationship Coach and founder
Director of Divorce Support PLUS,
"Thank you for making it clear."
"Thank you for making it clear what I need to do on a daily basis to rebuild the trust with my wife."
"You offer real tips."
"You offer real tips instead of being "preachy" like most marriage books."
"You gave me hope."
"You gave us a plan for rebuilding the trust again and you gave me hope."
"You opened my eyes."
"I'm thankful for your sound advice and teaching me how to make my relationship warm again. You
opened my eyes to the destructive things I was doing in my relationship and how I was not being fair with
my wife by putting all the shame and guilt on her."
"...step-by-step stages to helping us heal."
"I love how this is wonderfully written, easy to read and offers great step-by-step stages to helping us
"...speed up the healing process."
"You are helping us speed up the healing process. Thank you for an excellent guide."
"...taught me exactly what to do"
"I understood everything very well and appreciate how you taught me exactly what to do to restore the
"How to get my husband to understand."
"I appreciate what you have done by teaching me how to get my husband to understand what he did to
"...you even told me what to do when I fail at fixing it."
"Not only did you give me step-by-step directions on how to fix it, you even told me what to do when I fail
at fixing it. I am at a point now where I am starting to trust again."
"Very honest and to the point. What you gave me was something easy to follow with understandable
"...very specific ways to rebuild the trust"
"Thank you for giving me very specific ways to rebuild the trust, not generic statements. I appreciate it."
"Your information is like a revolution"
"Your information is like a revolution! Everyday the trust in my marriage is building more and more! I
really like the steps to rebuilding trust. this is really hard to do but these steps will make it easier."
"What you did was give me hope."
"Thank you for explaining step by step what needed to be done I read so many things through this
ordeal and I just wanted to find something that would tell me what I need to do and that is what I found
here. What you did was give me hope that the trust can be restored again."
St. Clairsville, OH
"...I am guilty of doing a lot of harmful things."
"I love my wife, but I am guilty of doing a lot of harmful things. All I ever needed was for someone to
explain to me how much damage that I do to her and now I understand what I was doing. This was a real
confirmation to me. Thank you!"
"Now he knows how much it means to me."
"My husband had a problem with me calling him all the time and asking him what he was doing. Now he
knows how much it means to me to know where he is. He even calls me more than I call him now and he
had his password changed to his voicemail where I only know it and I can check all messages. Your
advice changed everything and helped us in appositive way rebuild our trust.thanks a lot."
Broken Arrow, OK
"...I can start in small stages."
"You helped me realize that it will take time but I can start in small stages to begin to trust again. The
building block sections helped break down what to do which has helped the most."
"...you covered the feelings I was having."
"Dr. Gunzburg, you covered the feelings that I was having, and validated them as normal. I needed that."
El Reno, OK
"...we are now in the process of talking"
"I was the one who cheated. My significant other has gotten to the first step of wanting to try to work
things out with me. We are now in the process of talking in a more normal manner. I am going to live a
transparent life, as I don't ever want to have him doubt me again."
"...you gave me insight into what I need to do."
"You tackled the problems and you gave me insight into what I need to do"
"...we are doing many of the things suggested."
"Fortunately, we are doing many of the things suggested. Rebuilding is hard and forgiveness is really
the only answer. However, both partners must admit to not meeting each others needs prior to the affair.
I now know that I was not meeting my husband's needs and he wasn't meeting any of mine."
"...it helps to have specific suggestions for moving forward."
"In the midst of something so emotionally devastating, it helps to have specific suggestions for moving
"I appreciated the way you expressed the different types of trust."
I appreciated the way you expressed the different types of trust. Most people I've spoken with believe in
all or nothing when it comes to trusting a spouse and are unable to reach beyond the fidelity issue. I'll try
to extrapolate the idea of different aspects of relationships to other areas of my life.
"I was feeling that my 'suspicious' feelings were bad for me."
The truly value the part of the chapter that said it's natural for the 'injured' party to feel suspicion. I was
feeling that my 'suspicious' feelings were bad for me in the effort to find trust again in our relationship.
"I am noticeably more open and understanding"
This book helped me realize that a healthy relationship is primarily about predictability. I will learn to
listen and be generally more attentive. I am noticeably more open and understanding of why affairs can
happen. The10 Destructive Habits that Demolish Trust and Tear Down Love helped me see these habits
itemized in list form, helping me identify. This created a greater awareness of how easily they can cause
problems if not understood.
"I have learned that I need to consider my spouse's efforts"
The self destructive behaviors overview showed me what not to do. I try to be more aware of those
destructive behaviors and develop good behaviors that will benefit and not harm my marriage. This
chapter showed that I need to take stock of all the effort my spouse does make, and realize that it won't
happen overnight. I have learned that I need to consider my spouse's efforts to reassure me and not
always look for the negative.
"Now, I try to focus on nurturing the trust within the relationship"
I loved the part describing our breaking-down-the-trust issue. I didn't really think before about all the
different issues relating to trusting someone. I was focusing purely on the issue of fidelity. Now, I try to
focus on nurturing the trust within the relationship, the trust that is already there, and I know the fidelity
issue with follow. The Transparency section helped me realize now how hard my husband is trying to
rebuild the trust in our marriage and what he is doing to make sure that I cannot misinterpret his
intentions for anything.
"I have already identified some the efforts that my partner has been exhibiting."
My favorite sections were 'The Five Types of Trust', the bulleted summaries and the destructive habits
to avoid. I will view the healing process in a more open and less selfish perspective. I have already
identified some the efforts that my partner has been exhibiting. My fear and hesitation has decreased
and has assisted me in moving forward and not feeling stuck in the hurt. It also illustrated that the
undulating feelings of suspicion are natural and just need to be worked through. The F Forms of Trust
in a Relationship section broadens the view of trust and that, with infidelity, the other areas can be used
to support the reconstruction of building trust again in this area that has been weakened.
"It gave me the idea that there is hope to trust again."
I loved The Five Forms of Trust in a Relationship section. It gave me the idea that there is hope to trust
again. Building Blocks for a totally transparent relationship is also helpful, offering step-by-step and
practical guideline towards transparency.
"It's very clearly written and easy to understand."
I found the entire chapter helpful. It is informational, logical and offers step-by-step instructions. It's very
clearly written and easy to understand. More importantly I'd be comfortable with any or all of the
strategies your discussed. I now have a better picture of the steps that need to be taken to restore my
trust in my husband. This section also helped me see that my previous requests for transparency were
not at all unreasonable. Your book gives logical and thoughtful suggestions
North Bend, WA
"Each highlighted area struck home"
It reaffirmed what I already believed in plain English. Each highlighted area struck home so to speak. I
now feel like I am not going nuts.
"This chapter let me see that I can still trust some areas of our relationship."
This chapter let me see that I can still trust some areas of our relationship. While I find it difficult to
believe his answers to my questions concerning the other woman, I now know how to tackle our issues
"Your chapter enlightened me."
I enjoyed the section on communication. I always figured good communication just happened naturally in
a relationship if two good communicators were involved. Your chapter enlightened me on the fact that
good communication requires good listening and doesn't just happen. I came to the realization that good
communication in a relationship doesn't just happen. You have to plan, take time and implement.
"All of the items discussed are important to renewing a damaged relationship."
The whole section on communication was beneficial. In the way it was presented, it placed a 'whole lot of
stuff' in an understandable format for me. All of the items discussed are important to renewing a
damaged relationship. Although it is a risk, communicating timely rather than allowing issues to fester
and as a result both of us drawing away from one another. I have a better understanding of the needs
associated with recreating my relationship. It put into words feelings and thoughts that I have.
"Gave me ideas and ways to communicate with out placing blame."
Your section on conflict resolution will help me the most, as I have never approached it in the proper
way. I learned the proper way of brainstorming. The Five Tips for a Brilliantly Creative Brainstorming
Session gave me ideas and ways to communicate with out placing blame. I have always placed blame,
and now I know why it never worked.
Boyne City, MI
"This section gave advise on how to communicate my feelings differently."
The section regarding a healthy sexual relationship showed me that the pattern my spouse and I are on
is average compared to others who've experienced this issue. This section gave advise on how to
communicate my feelings differently. I used to think it was wrong to take a break during an argument, but
now I see that sometimes it is really needed to calm down and analyze my thoughts and feelings on the
"There were lots of things that I will do differently now."
This whole chapter helped me. It has shown me that we have been doing some of these things, and lets
me kind of know where we are. It also shows me more of what we (or I) should say and do. There were
lots of things that I will do differently now. Mostly how I act when we talk, using my body language to
show him that I am really listening. I really enjoyed this chapter!
"The section can help you to control your anger."
This chapter talks about boundary discussions. I learned to always tell the truth. Most people seem to
not believe the truth when the truth is being told. But my reaction will be different. This section shows
how to accept that which you cannot change, plus offers a great definition for acceptance. The section
can help you to control your anger.
"(You) helped me more closely examine my motivations for my behavior towards my spouse."
The distinction between acceptance and forgiveness was very helpful. I also loved the advice to not
prematurely accept things for the wrong reasons. The Three False Forms of Acceptance: Demons that
can Hold You Back on Your Road to Healing helped me more closely examine my motivations for my
behavior towards my spouse.
"It is easy to read, understand and follow the logic."
I like your format: Introduction, stating the issue and the facts/applications, examples, summary and nut
shell review. It is like my law class presentations of IRAC (issue, rule, applications and conclusions). It is
easy to read, understand and follow the logic. The section covering the Difference between Acceptance
and Forgiveness is my favorite. It explains that I am normal for not being able to forget what happen and
the behavior, but it is OK to go forward and accept that neither of us can change the past. I learned that
it is good to learn from the experience to avoid similar situations. It is OK to disagree
Dianna L Hanson
"I learned that the only change is on me."
The part that benefited me most was the acceptance section. I know that there will be times he can
accept it and there will be times where he can't accept it well. I just need to understand that and accept
the outcome, hoping for the best. I learned that the only change is on me. I have to accept his feelings
and know he may never forgive me for what I have done. The Opening the Heart Once More section
gives me hope to not give up, accept what I've done and use it to make things better.
"I have seen a great change from the help in your previous chapters."
I loved the section about knowing yourself and knowing when it's okay to accept the past, while, at the
same time, you don't have to forgive it. Each person is his own and it takes time along with effort for both
parts. You also can't be rushed into false acceptance because it takes more time to accept it and move
on slowly, knowing it's my own time to do this. I'm more relieved to know I have the right to take my time
in accepting, and moving into forgiving. I have seen a great change from the help in your previous
chapters, knowing it's okay to accept it without having to forgive immediately or even forget.
"I will now stop focusing on forgiveness and work on acceptance."
I love the idea that I don't have to forgive or forget to move on. I wondered how I could move on without
forgiving, and if I could love again without forgiving her for what she did. I will now stop focusing on
forgiveness and work on acceptance.
"Our therapist confirms that my emotions are normal, but doesn't really give advice on how to work
"(I liked) All the tips on how to work through the emotions. Our therapist confirms that my emotions are
normal, but doesn't really give advice on how to work through them."
"We really appreciate the exercises you gave us."
"We really appreciated the exercises you gave us. Learning about the emotions my husband is feeling
has helped me and helped him feel normal. We are learning how to talk and be completely honest with